New School Year Imminent

I have had a summer void of Dumb Asses.

I sorta miss 'em.

Not the students, the examples of their stupidity.

Cranky as ever and soon to be lightin' up this blog like the 4th of July...

Presentations

Dear Professor,

I wanted to let you know that I need to make other arrangements for the final group presentation. I am terrified of speaking in public. Is there another option for me?

Dear DumbAss Student,

Your group is scheduled to present...tomorrow. You have had exactly 9 weeks to inform me of your stage-fright. Pull your shit together, fuck-twat. Your group is depending on you; your GRADE is depending on you. Present or Fail, fuck-tard. There is no other available option at this time. Kindly bend yourself over this chair and I'll strap on my trusty fuck-plunger... Had you been in contact with me earlier, we could have made other arrangements.

WHAT THE PRICELESS FUCK?
*********************************

Fucking Students

Um, goddamn.

Can someone tell me why...

Within 13 minutes of submitting final quarter grades, a Student emailed me, inquiring as to WHY he received a "B-" instead of an "A?"

Am I the only living Human-fucking-Being with a calculator?

What the Christless Fuck?!

Suck. Me.

Taken from an actual email from a disgruntled student, who received a C- on his mid-term exam:

"As for my midterm I thought I would have received a higher grade, not an A but at least a B."

My response:

"I understand that you may feel frustrated about your scores. It is equally frustrating to me that, after each of your scores is posted, you send an email to me stating that you believe you performed better than what your score reflects. Particularly when I spend such an extraordinary amount of time checking and re-checking each and every assignment, and believe that my evaluation of your work is precisely represented in the score that I record.

My fantasy retort:

Suck. Me.

Dumb Ass.

You tell me...

Chanchito,

When you are a man...sometimes you wear stretchy pants.
In your room...for fun.

Nacho Libre

From a Student. To me.

Yes. I'm serious.

No. I do not know what it means.

Bad Quiz

You didn't do as well as you thought you should have done on the quiz? And now you want to talk to me about WHY you received a 65% on your quiz?

You want to know WHY?

You marked the WRONG ANSWERS, that's why.

Read your fucking book, Dumb Ass.

Excuse Note

Please excuse my room-mate from missing the quiz on Monday. She was helping me because I was feeling suicidal at the time.

Makes perfect sense to me.

Jesus.

Confessions of a Cranky Professor

No.

It is NOT an "open book" quiz.

Dumb Ass.